Why do I get so suspicious? Do you want someone else? ‘Cause everbody wants everybody else. Everybody wants everybody else.
(You know it’s bad when you start quoting Gwen.)
(Though that album? Rock Steady? Is the key to understanding women. Guys, take note: “Long distance, don’t talk about ex-girlfriends, don’t talk about you without me, don’t talk about the past.” It’s like a user’s guide to women. Go ahead. Download. Nobody’s looking.)
I do think it’s me, mainly because I have no proof. And mainly because I became a highly irrational version of my former cool as a cucumber self sometime over the course of this relationship and therefore cannot be trusted.
Exhibit A (a timeline):
2:30pm: He sends me an email including plan suggestions for that night. Says to text him as he’ll be out running errands, will meet me at 8:30pm.
2:34pm: I text him back, plans are fine, blah blah, sounds good, blah blah, can I meet you beforehand to throw my shit in your car?
2:55pm: I finally hear from him - short, confirms plans, doesn’t say anything cute or sweet or fun or witty. All business. My spirits plummet. Also, ignores my question.
3:12pm:I text him back, “But wait, can I meet you beforehand to throw my shit in your car?”
3:22pm: I don’t hear from him.
3:57pm: I don’t hear from him.
4:11pm: I don’t hear from him.
5:08pm: I don’t hear from him.
6:29pm: I don’t hear from him.
7:01pm: I conclude that he’s obviously busy fucking someone. Cell vibrating in the pocket of his jeans, which were carelessly discarded on her floor in the heat of the moment. Her floor, which is much cleaner than mine in her bedroom, which is much cuter than mine in her apartment, which is much bigger than mine and in a much cooler neighborhood.
7:02pm: I get that all-too-familiar shaky feeling inside. I start to create situations in my head - situations in which he betrays me over and over and over again. Different women, different locations, different times of day. But the betrayal is consistent.
7:03pm: I can’t concentrate on work. The only thing I can focus on is my dead silent cell phone.
7:16pm: I get a text. My heart leaps. From my sister. My heart drops back down to it’s normal state of anxiety/anger/constant sadness.
8:04pm: He’s totally fucking my roommate, isn’t he. No wonder he wants to sleep in all the time after I go to work. Plus, on the nights I don’t see him she - coincidentally - doesn’t come home. Yup, an affair. Right under my own nose.
8:30pm: I walk into the bar convinced that he has been inside of another woman for the past six hours. I convince myself that he doesn’t smell like himself. I convince myself that he’s acting strange. I convince myself that he’s about to break up with me. I am withdrawn, quiet, bitchy. He, in turn, is withdrawn, quiet, obnoxious. It sucks. We have sex anyway and fall asleep with words unsaid weighing heavily in the room.
I know it’s irrational. I know it’s not normal. I know it’s probably an indication that there is something seriously awry either with me or with our relationship. I’m reading into things way too much, letting my overactive imagination get the best of me. Fuck, I’m reading into HOROSCOPES IN MAGAZINES. “Be prepared for surprises this weekend, from a party thrown in your honor to finding out your best pal has been seeing your boyfriend.” Thanks, InStyle. Now I feel compelled to keep tabs on my best friend as well. (What did she REALLY MEAN when she said she liked the Boy’s hair the other night.)
It’s such a fucking rollercoaster, how one small thing (him not texting) can create a domino affect culminating in an irrational conclusion (him cheating on me).
It’s not healthy for me, it’s not fair to him.
Though, if he is cheating? Then I, apparently, have the best fucking gut instincts in the WORLD.
Ok, I just stumbled on your blog. you just described me. I am also batshit insane. Glad to know there are others like me.
Anon - thanks. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one. I was tempted to close comments on this one, because I already feel crazy and I don’t want reinforcement from other people that I’m crazy. But, hey. This is me. For better or worse. And it felt good to put it out into the world, believe it or not.
honey, baby! there is no way some 30+ guy who is getting 24 year old ass is going to cheat. RELAX! really, relax..
I hope this comes off as a compliment (?) or at the very least, hopeful, but reading your blog is like reading my journal from four years ago. For me? The beginning (ish) of the best relationship I ever had just freaked me the fuck out, and I was always looking for ways to sabotage it. Not to mention the crazies that I had every single day, including, but not limited to, me getting up at 3:30 in the morning to go running with tears streaming down my face because I couldn’t sleep because he hadn’t called me.
Hang in there. It’s so worth it.
You are going into anxiety overload here and I can’t tell if you are creating these issues or reacting to them. What do you think? I am a big believer in the gut, but is that what this is?
The last time I was in anxiety overload, I tried some behavioral aversion techniques to get myself back to reality. When I had an anxious thought or feeling, I’d snap a rubber band on my wrist. When I felt like my head was coming off, I’d sit quietly in a chair with my feet on the ground, take some deep breaths and notice my surroundings.
Try to get in touch with reality and then see what your gut is telling you. I have a lot of hopes for you and this guy and I think if you can be honest with yourself, you may get through this rough patch.
Take care.
Not to make you feel worse, but I disagree with anon above me. Guys can be idiots and even if they have the most amazing woman, they do stupid, stupid things. That said, he’s probably not doing anything stupid… you’ve just hit that point in your relationship when you don’t know if this is for real or not.
I am wondering how long you’ve been dating because there’s bound to be some sort of timeline when we start fearing this sort of thing. I would call it “end of honeymoon” period but you haven’t settled into “comfortable” yet. I guess you need to figure out if you really are sensing something wrong, or if you’re being self-destructive by making something wrong. I would talk to him. Best of luck.
Anon #2: My fear is that now that he’s getting 24 year old ass, he’s going to want 23 year old ass. And so on.
Fanny: I’m hanging onto your comment as a bit of hope that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and that this isn’t the end. Thank you.
Jamy: I think I’m creating these issues. At least I HOPE I am. I’m going to try the rubber band trick. I’d try anything at this point.
Monkeypants: Self-destruction is so damn ugly. It’s about that time for the end of the honeymoon: we’ve been dating 8 months officially, a year unofficially.
hey! if there is hope for me there is definitely hope for you. as you know i recently had a difficult talk. The subsequent days have been the best, most relaxed, and real (not pie in the sky honeymooney) of our relationship. And this is AFTER 1.5 years… just talk to him! get organized first but do it. you won’t find peace until you voice your concerns.
Jen: I’m typing notes as we speak, as per what you did. Otherwise my thoughts are all over the place and I will just end up crying out of frustration. I cry easily.
Clink - clicked my way to your blog too. I totally know what you are feeling and want you to know that you are not the only one with the crazy because I do the Same Exact Thing. Is it the way girls are wired?
LB - I appreciate it so much. Knowing that I’m not the only one is seriously what’s getting me through today. I do think women are wired that way. Some just hide it better than others.
I agree with lb…it’s totally a girl thing, because I have done the same thing one more than one occasion.
I also agree with monkeypants…it happened with me as we were transitioning from honeymoon to comfortable. A month or so of me being a maniacal overanalyzer, but things are good now. Try to hang in there!!
Miss Pickle: I can handle a month. In fact, it’s been about a month of insane overanalyzation. It can feel free to end any time now…
But why can’t he just reply to your simple text message question? That would drive me crazy too. C’mon - a simple yes or no. Damn!
I don’t understand — what did he say when you asked him why he didn’t respond to your text? I mean, I know I’ve certainly been guilty of doing the over-analyzing thing during the beginning of a relationship, but by now you shouldn’t be resorting to this passive-aggressive thing where you just somehow expect him to know he let you down.
My ex-boyfriend and I lasted three years not because he was perfect but because we were able to say, “I’m mad at you.” And then resolve things and move on.
I’m a strong believer that relationships are most successful when the two involved have similar ways of expressing their affection and respect. If he doesn’t understand that you need him to text you back immediately in order to feel secure, maybe that’s a dealbreaker. And maybe not. The point is you need to figure out what you’re willing to deal with and for how long because THINGS DON’T GET BETTER when you move in/get engaged/get married/have kids/retire. It’s all just more of the same, and if you don’t like it now, you won’t like it later. Settling isn’t doing anyone any favors; trust me on this one.
p.s. You’re a smashing writer.
Bev & Another Girl: He claims he simply forgot to reply but I should know that of course I can throw my shit in his car. Cause, apparently I’m a mind reader.
Leah: We’re like night and day when it comes to expressing affection. I’m afraid, really, that it’s going to be our undoing but I’m willing to keep trying because I love his adorable little face that much.
And thanks. Coming from one of my absolute favorite, holy crap total girl crush blog writers, that means a lot.