Sometime this morning, as I lugged an overstuffed shopping bag full of clothes, shoes, underwear & toiletries for tomorrow to the subway, it hit me that I don’t even want to go to Queens tonight. I don’t want to sit around the Boy’s apartment, fighting the urge to snoop through his things out of nothing but acute boredom, for three hours until he finally arrives home after midnight. I don’t want to miss tonight’s Project Runway because it is on my DVR, not his. I don’t want to not go out with a friend in town from Los Angeles because I’m afraid of the long, dark walk to the Boy’s building past a certain time. I don’t want to stay up way past my weekday bedtime because he’s wired from work and wants to talk and fuck. I don’t want to subsequently wake up tomorrow morning feeling tired and groggy. I don’t want to tack on an extra 40 minute subway ride (including a vicious transfer) to my morning commute.
If that sounds selfish, it’s because it is.
But I feel like - between my job and my boy - I’m fighting for some selfishness these days.
There’s nothing I can do about the job. If they want me to be here for twelve hours a few nights a week or show up on a weekend, there’s nothing I can do about it. Those people sign my checks. I enjoy receiving my checks. Hence, I will do what they say.
As for the Boy, it just feels very “all about him” lately. All about his stress at work, and his stress with [very big project that I cannot go into detail about because this is an anonymous blog but maybe I can just say the words six-figure advance?] and his stress with law school applications.
My problems, in light of his, seem to get pushed to the wayside. This is a recent development and one that I know will not be permanent. Part of me has no problem holding him at night and stroking his hair and telling him that it’s all going to be okay and not bringing up things that are on constantly on my mind (turning 25, my job, TURNING 25, my grandfather’s health, turning 25).
However, another part of me – the selfish part that has been crying out “Hey! HEY! HEEEEEY! What about me, lady?” for quite a while now – just wants to have a few glasses of red wine with a friend tonight. And then return home to my delicious bed and Project Runway with no commercials. And then go to sleep in my own bed, uninterrupted by my doorman calling in the middle of the night to announce the Boy’s arrival.
It will hurt his feelings if I don’t go to his place tonight. Especially because, last night, he drove 40 minutes out of his way, well after midnight, after a long day at work just to sleep next to me.
So, I will dutifully cart my things to Queens and I will smother his face in kisses when he comes home tonight and I will tell him how proud of him I am and how things are only going to get better, for the both of us.
There will be plenty of red wine to drink tomorrow night. And the next night. And every night leading up to my birthday on Sunday. Tonight, it’s important that I put on my “#1 Girlfriend” hat and support the guy that I love. (But seriously, he needs to get his ass out of Queens sometime soon.)
aww, if you really think about it (and I have) turning 25 is the last year of not being an adult. 26 is the full blown adult, over the hump sliding down that hill towards adulthood. You are going to be at the top of the hill. Enjoy the view……seriously, don’t stress it until you hit 26…i’m sure it’s much worse. i’ll let you know in 6 months…
I hear you loud and clear! There have been plenty of times when I have been selfish (and lazy), sometimes you just need to give in for yourself.
My last relationship was like that. It sucked. I feel for you.