My trust issues will ultimately ruin this relationship. Instead of my greatest fear, it will be the fear of my greatest fear that will be our ultimate undoing. And it will be, as far as I can tell, all my fault.
He’s never truly given me a reason not to trust him. Sure, he doesn’t always help the cause (see, most recently,below) but overall he’s proved himself to be a moral, trustworthy person.
I have never been burned badly before. Have never been cheated on, as far as I know. Have never sat around in a bathrobe for months on end, drinking wine straight from the bottle and throwing darts at a photo of the offending male’s head. And yet, my trust issues, they continue to taunt me even as I semi-successfully navigate my way through a wonderful, surprising, supportive relationship.
The trust issues provoke negative thoughts and assumptions to the point that I am able to convince myself of far-fetched things, such as an imagined affairs with various women in his life. Rooted not, of course, in any sort of reality but instead in my most vulnerable place, where I’m still the girl who doesn’t feel she deserves a healthy relationship and is therefore certain that she will find the wizard behind the curtain if she just keeps looking hard enough.
Almost every night this week I have woken up angry at the Boy because almost every night this week I have dreamt that he has either cheated on me or lied to me or otherwise wronged me. Apropos of absolutely nothing he has actually said or done.
I don’t want to be this way. He sure as hell doesn’t want me to be this way. I’m pushing, pushing, pushing and ultimately I’m going to push him to his breaking point. He’s not going to want me anymore, because who would want someone who doesn’t trust them? The rest of your life is a long time not to be trusted.
I’m angry at myself and I’m angry at him for not making me feel safer. For doing some inconsiderate things that feed my active imagination. But mostly, it is me, it is my fault. I can either choose to trust or choose not to. The risk of getting hurt – the risk any of us in a serious relationship must take - doesn’t change either way.
I don’t want to undo the one thing in my life that makes me the most happy. If it unravels, then I will surely unravel right along with it. And I will have no one to blame but myself.
Therrrrrapy…….
It’s not as bas as you probably think. Better to try to work on your issues before they can break up your relationship than after.
If you and I are as similar as I think, I can only tell you how helpful going to therapy is for me. I hate to see you in so much pain.
I have been reading your blog for some time now and this is by far the most mature, introspective post you have ever written. This trust/jealousy issue has destroyed many relationships and will destroy yours unless you take control of the situation and get some help. Get thee to a counselor and confront these demons or you will be tormented by them for the rest of your life.
have you ever considered therapy? i agree with you that these trust issues will destroy your relationship (and every relationship thereafter) if you let them.
I agree with everyone else: therapy. If that’s not an option (no time, money, etc.) try to get at the root of the trust issue. Have you always been like this in a relationship? Why are you afraid?
Everything ends, one way or another. Anticipating the end just makes you miss the present.
Therapy does seem to be the general consensus. However time, money (health insurance? what health insurance?) and a general will to fix this MYSELF will keep me from actually doing it. Also, I may be a wee little bit hesitant to actually admit that I need help, that I have a problem that is affecting my relationship.
Jamy, that was very eloquent and certainly something to think about. For me, it comes down to: I’ve never acted THIS crazy because I’ve never had something that I’ve been so afraid of losing. I keep looking for a way out so that I can head off any impending hurt.
Hey, I never claimed to be brilliant.
I’ve got a lot to struggle with. On second thought, how expensive can seeing someone once a week really be? It might be necessary.
On therapy: time and money are no excuses. Many therapists will take clients on a sliding scale (they won’t charge you more than you can afford) and it’s only ONE HOUR A WEEK. If you have time to watch TV, you have time to get help. If you can afford cable, you can afford a therapist. Time/money are convenient scapegoats for not committing to fixing the problem.
I’ve been reading your blog for months now and this issue, and the desire to fix it yourself, are not new to you. Have you made enough progress to satisfy yourself? Get help! Help helps!
Oh, and I’m not sure why you think seeing a therapist means you’re not fixing the problem yourself. No counselor you see is going to fix any problem for you. Fixing it yourself may just mean taking the initiative to find someone.
therapy is fun! all you do is talk about yourself for an hour with someone who is paid to actually listen to you instead of turning the conversation back to them.
I agree with you, Clink. Therapy seems a bit drastic. Instead, let’s talk about ME (haha). Anyway, my guy is long distance, but he was actually in New York the entire summer. I should have been THRILLED. Instead I was mad at him the whole time. Why? Well, it turns out I was scared about saying goodbye. I was so afraid of being torn apart from him again … to go back to only being able to hug and kiss Mr. Adorable once a month. But instead of admitting my vulnerability, I tried to find some way to “protect” myself from the inevitable. The point is, don’t be like me. Don’t waste the good parts being mad about something you’re not really mad about at all. Accept that you can get hurt. Accept that this can be everything you ever dreamed of.
You are absolutely right, Clink. About all of it. Also, you are mature and honest and maybe even a little bit brilliant. It seems like this guy is worth some sacrifices, so don’t be afraid about making the ones you need to in order to get (or keep) what you want.
Not that you need another comment on therapy, BUT I only go twice a month. This may be an option if you are concerned about money/time. I know you will do what’s right for you.
Hi Clink! OMG again with the parallel lives! You are so not alone. I have had these exact same thoughts. Everyone deals with their trust issues differently, but, for me, I just force myself to trust him. A lot of it is pride, I think, in not wanting to get hurt, and once I realized that pride was NOT the most important thing in a relationship or even life in general, it became a lot easier to force myself to trust. (Not to say that it still isn’t hard…)
Take care, LB.
Hi Clink,
I’m relatively new here, never commented before, but I’ve read through your archives because I could relate to a lot of what you were saying. There was one post, however, that I didn’t quite understand. It was earlier in your relationship, in May, actually (I just looked it up) and there were implications that you had slept with someone else. So I was thinking that maybe although you guys (you and the boy) weren’t together at the time, or were taking a break or something, perhaps this is something in your subconscious that bothers you that makes you think the boy could do the same? The thought that if you looked to someone else in a moment of unclarity, maybe it makes you think that the boy could do it, too? I’ve heard and read a lot before that a lot of our problems with the other people in our lives are in fact problems that we have within ourselves, and that is why we place those burdens upon other people, whether they know it or not. Even with me, I know that my bf would probably never cheat on me, but sometimes I like awake in a frezy thinking of the what-ifs. But for me, it really is because I know myself, and I am doubtful of whether or not I can always stay loyal to him, unconditionally, because as humans, we change. So I think that since we are so alike anyway, maybe he could be capable of doing the same thing.
But I honestly think that you if you truly talk to eachother and trust eachother (meaning being completely vunerable to one another, meaning telling him about things you’ve done that maybe you’re not proud of, even if you’re scared of his reaction)you will be okay. Especially if you see yourself being with him long-term, even with marriage. Personally, I just don’t believe in secrets. I don’t believe in protecting people from the truth. Because ultimately you’re trying to cover your own ass, not theirs. I think that all we have in life are the people around us, and if we cannot tell them are innermost secrets, then what are we doing with them at all? They are supposed to be the ones we trust, depend on, lean on, etc. If they truly love you, they will always understand.
Sorry that was long, especially since I’m new here! Please excuse any typos. Also, I could totally have your situation misconstrued, forgive me if I do. If anything, I hope it at least made sense. Good luck with the boy.
clink - ditto here. I used to think you were nuts (a little, c’mon!), but now I’m going through similar shit.
it’s me - like you said - pushing, pushing, pushing. I’m doing a fine job of fucking it up. YAY ME! I do have a talent!
umm. Therapy. All around.
Well, LB, Princess and Angelina - at least we’re all in the same boat. It’s not a pretty one, or even particularly comfortable but hey. I like knowing I’m not alone.
LB - It’s pride. Of course it is. And forcing myself to trust, no matter what, is probably going to be my course of action as well.
Princess - For someone who has done little more than read my archives, you have hit the nail on the head. About everything. Even the fact that I slept with an ex-boyfriend before the Boy & I were exclusive and always kind of wonder if he’s going to need that same validation. And I agree. There’s a reason that “honesty is the best policy” is such a cliche. It’s because it’s true. Thanks for such a candid, insightful comment.
Angelina - Welcome to the club, beyotch. I used to think girls with boyfriends who behaved like this were all crazy. Then I became a girl with a boyfriend. And now I am crazy. If you need to drink it out, I’m your girl.
I have this too. My ex cheated on me and did some things so dastardly that most strange girls terrify me and all potential relationships have been aborted before they get the chance to go ‘Jackyl and Hyde’ like my ex did.
It’s a shame when someone has that effect on you.
I hope you figure it out and i hope you don’t mind me stopping by. The Postal Service ref was too much to ignore.
Be well
Chris