Today is a slow day. Mainly because I don’t have anything to fixate on like, say, a boyfriend who over the course of a holiday weekend morphed into Stomach Flu Man, complete with moaning, groaning and quality time spent with the bowl of porcelain and the tiles in his bathroom.
No, Stomach Flu Man has recently been defeated with an intense treatment of Saltine Crackers, Immodium A-D, Lemon-Lime Gatorade (I learned a very important lesson recently: Not everyone likes the red kind. My world is now upside down) and Girlfriend TLC (INT BEDROOM. NIGHT. Clink flips through channels, a bit perturbed that there is not a Laguna Beach Marathon on. Calls to boyfriend, who is in bathroom, “How’s it goin?” Doesn’t hear a response, shrugs, continues to flip through channels).
The Boy is better now, which is lovely for him but not so lovely for me because I STILL have not caught the virus and now it is most likely GONE FOREVER and Dear Santa, For Christmas I would like a stomach flu that causes me to lose ten pounds. Love, Clink.
(Has she really written two straight posts about a fucking stomach flu that she doesn’t even HAVE (*shakes fists angrily at sky*)? Why yes, yes she has. )
I’ve decided to fixate on a holiday party instead. Holiday parties involve baking and alcohol and various melty, indulgent dishes, many of which include cheese and you know what? If I’m not going to get a stomach flu, I may as well pack on the pounds so that I can become the super-fat one and the Boy can be the super-skinny one and then we can earn the nicknames Timon and Pumbaa and be that couple and perhaps even get towels embroidered with T&P and it will all be very hilarious.
I’ve never thrown a cocktail party. My experience with cocktail parties has been strictly limited to either a) showing up with a 35 dollar bottle of wine at a friend’s house because even though I am fine with Yellow Tail, I like to pretend I know a thing or two about wine and therefore, if it is expensive it must be good and I must bring it for the hostess and be the Amazing Stellar Wine Giving Guest or b) half-heartedly cleaning the bathtub (which had ALREADY BEEN CLEANED BY THE CLEANING LADY TWO DAYS PRIOR) when I was a teenager while my mother, in between racing from room to room preparing, chastised my effort and scrubbing strategy. To which I’d reply, “What kind of psychos are you friends with that you’re worried about them pulling back the shower curtain to CHECK HOW CLEAN OUR BATH TUB IS, I ASK YOU.”
So this little holiday party of mine, which I’ve already decided will include cranberry martinis and foccacia bread and perhaps some Greek dish because I am so cool and ethnic and various assorted sweet things so that I can lick the batters of various assorted sweet things before baking them…well, it should be interesting.
Hopefully I will have something else to fixate on (a Tacori engagement ring? A surprise book deal? My actual job?) before the plans in my head (Ella Fitzgerald! Fake snow! Ice cubes with mint and raspberry frozen into the middle! A rented chocolate fountain with fruit and marshmallow skewers!) actually get set into motion. That would be for the best, I think.
I need a new fixation, too. The Tacori engagement ring sounds like a good one, although I already fear that I’m way past being fixated and am totally obsessed. Sigh.
Cranberry martinis sound yummy, though. Pomegranate would be good, too. Mmmm.
I read that the average person gains 5 lbs. during the holidays.
I also read that if you eat healthy before you go to a party you will be less likely to pig out on desserts and such.
I tried it for Thanksgiving, worked for me. I tried really hard to avoid the pie, but I ended up having a piece.
This year I am pledging not to let the holidays get the best of me. Junk Food be gone. And while everyone else is gaining 5 lbs, I’ll be losing it.