Friday isn’t really Friday when there’s work on Saturday. So while I’m excited for the weekend, I’m not excited. And that italic is really all the difference.
I’m also tired (not just tired), and that leads to overthinking and overanalyzing and overworrying and overeverything.
I’ve sense a slight shift between the Boy and me. Something that cannot be detected by the naked eye but, when put under a very tight microscope (like my overanalytical brain), reveals a distortion.
We’re us but we’re not us. It’s impossible to describe and, even if I attempted to put it into a string of coherent paragraphs, I would most likely come across as oversensitive at best and nonsensical at worst.
So I’m just putting it out there. If he breaks up with me tomorrow, next week, next month I can point to this post and say “see! Guys! I fucking predicted it! I knew something was wrong and even though I didn’t specify what was wrong, I knew something was wrong. See, I was right! And now I’m heartbroken. Please pass the Kleenex. And the tub of Ben and Jerry’s.”
Hopefully it won’t come to that. Hopefully it’s just me. The problem with me is that I can’t trust my gut instincts. They are unreliable because my gut instincts pass through my brain and my brain distorts everything, even gut instincts, transforming them into Worst Case Scenarios and therefore what I feel is actually the worst thing I could possibly imagine being passed off as a gut instinct.
Whew. Sorry. That probably only makes sense in my (very, very unreliable) head.
Hopefully things will seem familiar once I start my weekend, at 6pm tomorrow evening. For a day and some change maybe I will again feel like my bubbly, giddy, fun-loving self and if I feel like myself, maybe my relationship will feel like my relationship.
Fingers crossed.
Hang in there! And start looking for a new job!
I started to type a comment, but it got too long. I switched it to an email.
Just wanted to say I have been there - or somewhere like it, at least.
Hang in there, kiddo.
Fingers crossed for you. And wishing you the best.
Working a Saturday? In December? Oh, hell no!
Wow.
I have been reading your blog for months, and am still struck by the similarities in our ways of thinking.
I also find it so frustrating that I am unable to trust my own instincts, because of my tendency to worse case scenario everything.
So something happens that troubles me, instead of reacting to it proportionally, I lose sleep for days, questioning his feelings for me, and then give it all up because the scenarios I am at by the end of all my worrying are so out there that I know I am being silly. The problem is that sometimes, the initial “trigger” may have been real, something worth addressing, but I never get to it…
good luck
Desey
Remember this post….”Monday, December 04, 2006?”
Trust.
I often need to remind myself that things can’t be perfect all the time. I have times with the boy where I know things don’t feel as fun as they usually do and I start to wonder if that means we aren’t going to last. You know that saying, this too shall pass? It’s so true. People change and grow all the time and relationships do too.
My gut messes with me too. Sometimes I can trust it and sometimes I can’t.
If you guys break up (which you’re not cause you’re totally getting engaged at xmas), I would consider letting you hold my hand and possibly even feed me grapes one at a time.
This is the same guy that was whispering “Clink, I love you so much” last Sunday in bed; and now he’s going to break up with you? Get a grip, he’s not going anywhere.