Restless. January 30, 2007

I need a change. Hair, clothes, something.

I’ve been toying with the idea of blonde, mainly because I want to be surprised when I look in the mirror. But, as with many things in my life, my impulses are rarely fully examined and – if my stylist had an open spot last week – I would’ve rashly thrust myself into a world where the upkeep would’ve cost me a few hundred dollars every few weeks.

Right now, under my dainty, classic cashmere sweater, I’m wearing a hot pink push-up bra. It’s no change of hair color, but it’s my little secret (until, of course, I share it with M this evening). I went in for underwear (confession: mainly because I don’t feel like doing laundry) and walked out with something with lace and beading and a ‘pow’ factor, something that decorates – window dressing, for my chest.

Hey, whatever gets you through, right?

The new job is just around the corner and that’s going to be just about as much change as I can handle, I know. Welcome change. Until then, however, I’m feeling restless.

Part of it has to do with my relationship (You: seriously, what doesn’t? Me: Shut it.) We’ve bypassed the honeymoon stage. There wasn’t a defining moment when we looked at each other and said “huh, so this is comfortable coupledom?” We’ve just sort of slowly edged our way to this place, this place where I no longer get butterflies moments before I meet him in the lobby. This place where I’m no longer censoring things that I say in order to present the best (if not entirely authentic) me. This place where I can trip in front of him on the sidewalk, like the glorious klutz that I am, and not immediately turn red, embarrassed for exposing my spastic side.

So it’s nice, and a lot less exhausting than trying to be amazing! and fun! and sunshine-y! all the time. But at the same time, I miss the magic. I miss the nervous energy. I miss (I can’t believe I’m writing this) not knowing where everything was going.

There’s still a lot to be excited about – hello! An apartment! Together! Clink, you are so annoying, why can’t you be excited about that! – but I’m still dealing with the side effects of our relationship’s transition. Most relationships I’ve been in have never got to this point, so this is new. I’m navigating uncharted territory for myself and am, maybe, just a little bit, mourning the loss of feeling like everything was new and amazing and sparkly and omigod, I’m going to like, TWIRL IN THE STREETS because LOVE! Isn’t it GRAND?

There’s still love, of course. It’s just comfortable, broken-in love. Like my comfortable brown hair.

Which may no longer be brown if my stylist can fit me in this week.