I haven’t been proposed to yet (clearly, as there has been no OMIGOD OMIGOD I AM ENGAGED, PEOPLE WHO READ MY BLOG OMIGOD OMIGOD post, accompanied by a flashing animated siren), but still, I’m trying to let the idea of being proposed to sink in, so that I can be prepared for when it happens.
I’m trying to envision it – not the actual it, because my imagination is quite active and I don’t think M’s plan for popping the question could quite measure up, but the aftermath. Aftermath meaning both the immediate (phone calls which, naturally, will include much shrieking) and the long term (uh, so, how exactly does one both plan and pay for a wedding?). Aftermath meaning actually being engaged.
I still feel like I’m 17 in some ways (though, note to self: you may feel 17, but your metabolism is certainly not what it was at 17 so, please, put down that cupcake). All of this – the job in the fancy building, where I not only attend meetings but am the person to call and conduct them, the lovely apartment in a building where I have people to sign for my packages, the expensive “pieces” that make up my wardrobe, the drinking red wine and stopping at only 2, the going to bed at a reasonable hour in order to be productive the next day – it all feels like pretend. Dress-up.
The only thing that doesn’t, however, is my relationship. I feel a full 25 in my relationship because, before this age, I’ve never had the capacity to love and grow and forgive and trust anyone else. My relationship is the one thing in my life that makes me feel my age, makes me feel like an adult. Because the supporting each other and loving each other and being able to talk openly about sex and openly about problems…it all adds up to an adult relationship. Frankly, my 17 year old self wouldn’t have been able to handle it. She would’ve run away long ago, when the going got tough for the first time. She would’ve been off to find something less intense (all the while EATING CUPCAKES AND NOT GAINING A POUND, WHAT A BITCH).
Forgive me if this is hard to follow or doesn’t make much sense. I’m just trying to work out what’s in my head with what’s my reality. Because my reality is that my boyfriend already has a plan for proposing marriage. And my head? My head is a mess.
It’ll all fall into place, I know this. Though, right now – as I sit here, ring-less – I can’t imagine ever discussing “color schemes” and deciding on bridesmaids, I know that when I officially – with a ring, with words – transition into being an engaged woman, I’ll be able to successfully take on the role.
Just like last Sunday, when I was convinced that there was no way I could step into this position at this new place and do well. I just couldn’t envision myself doing it, let alone succeeding at doing it. But the first day came and I put on my clothes and I walked 10 blocks to the office and I sat at my desk and I became the person that, just the night before, I was convinced I could never be.
Besides, taking on the role of engaged woman and M’s fiancée shouldn’t be that hard when – and here’s one thing I am certainly convinced of – it is a role I am fated to play.
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