10 Things You Don’t Know About Women June 1, 2007

My boyfriend has free subscriptions to almost any magazine that can be labeled “Male Interest” aside from, like, Playboy and Nascar Lovers and Men 4 Men. 
 
They’re all free and unsolicited and sent to him by the publications because he is a Big Shot.  
 
In the beginning of our relationship, when I was trying my hardest to prove that I am a girl who likes sports as opposed to a girl who likes sports because guys like sports, I used to lounge around in my skivvies and skim Sports Illustrated or ESPN Magazine because I thought that would expedite the process of going from “Girl M is Dating” to “M’s Girlfriend.” I was all, “who me? Oh I’m just hanging out over here in that underwear you love so much, reading about Barry Bonds.” (Note: it worked.)  
 
Now that I’ve proved I can accurately define a balk and can name college basketball players from before I was born, I tend to gravitate towards GQ or Details or Complex (com-PLEX or COM-plex? The world may never know). My favorite is probably Esquire. For the articles, I swear! (The articles of delicious men, articles that just happen to be accompanied by shirtless photos of delicious men but WHATEVER. Details, details.) 
 
In every issue of Esquire they have a “10 Things You Don’t Know About Women” page, wherein a scantily clad upper-B-list celebrity gives readers insight into the fickle mind of women. 
 
Tangent: Do we really want those *nods head slightly in the general direction of
Hollywood* women speaking for all of us? I mean, they don’t eat anything ever and they do coke in bathrooms and they sleep with aging directors for parts. Not exactly the most accurate sample of the female population but, I digress. 
 
The current issue features Minnie Driver, who spouts ridiculousisms such as (and I paraphrase), “if you’re going to say something about your ex on our first date, say something nice about her.” Really Minnie? REALLY? Because are you so secure with yourself and your curly hair and your kinda-big head that you wouldn’t automatically wonder if, since he’s saying nice things about a woman he used to date, he wouldn’t still like to, oh, BE WITH THAT WOMAN?  
 
Anyway. The whole point (there is a point! I promise! Ok, there’s a sorta-point!) is that I thought we should come up with our own. 
 
I’ll go first. 10 Things Clink Thinks You Don’t Know About Women: 
 

1.    We dress for other women most of the time. You may not understand why we’re wearing a floaty babydoll shirt that lends itself to “is it or isn’t it maternity?” scrutiny, paired with leggings and wedge heels that burn our soles by the end of the night, but other women do. And feeling stylish in the eyes of other women because we have mastered a trend (or five) makes us feel awesome.
 
2.   We probably won’t shave our legs the first few times we go out with you. It’s insurance against going home with you. Four glasses of wine and a bucketful of your charm may weaken our willpower, but knowing that our gams aren’t smooth as silk is the strongest chastity belt in the world. (Granny-panties and lack of a bikini wax are also time-honored substitutions.)
 
3.   We don’t talk about sex with our girlfriends nearly as much as you probably think we do. We mostly talk about shoes and Project Runway. Sorry.
 
4.   Speaking of our girlfriends, a small part of us will always wonder which one you’d sleep with. We don’t ever want to know the real answer.
 
5.   We secretly worry that natural childbirth will make us, uh, stretched out. You know where.
 
6.   To paraphrase lyrics from a song I heard once, we’d like to see your eyes open up real wide the minute that you see us. Especially if we’re wearing an expensive, sexy dress and just got a $100 blow-out and spent $150 on new make-up. The widening of the eyes (as opposed to, say, “Cool, you ready to go?” with nary a smile) makes it all worthwhile.
 
7.   We’ve already picked out baby names. We will secretly see if our favorite names mesh well with your last name.
 
8.   Tell us if you like our hair when we let it dry naturally. We’re looking for any excuse to put down the straighteners and curling irons. Plus, it’ll probably get you laid.
 
9.   Don’t ever tell us you “forgot to eat.” We obsess about every single thing we put in our mouths; people who “forget to eat” are therefore immediately suspicious.
 
10.  If we were lesbians, we’d probably like to sleep with Jackie Warner from Work Out. Sorry if that kills any of your my-girlfriend-with-another-woman fantasies.  
 
 So now it’s your turn! I clearly don’t have the authority to speak for all women everywhere so, in the interest of sisterhood (or brotherhood! We don’t discriminate here at Such Great Heights), I’d like all of you to contribute. It can be one, it can be a whole other list of ten.  
 
 Soon, men will have no more questions about women. (Ha! Just kidding men! The fact that we’re shrouded in mystery is one of the best things we have going for us. Sorry.)