Evil Minion. September 13, 2007

I have two assistants.
 
One of them reminds me of me when I was her age (you know, all of three years ago): She’s articulate, bright, eager to learn, slightly tentative, friendly and helpful. When I think of her in my head, she has a little halo and a pair of white wings and she is saying “Hi, Clink, how may I help you?”
 
The other one? Oh, the other one. Let’s just say that when I think of her, I think of a pitchfork and devil horns and a voice that makes me want to stab myself in the eye and she’s saying “I’m hear to make your life miserable, sucka.”
 
Ok, so maybe I’m being a wee bit dramatic but, truthfully, our personalities just don’t mesh. She’s one of those abrasive, know-it-all, entitled types that I have never taken well to.
 
She tries to circumvent me and go directly to my boss. She ignores some of the things I tell her to do or says “I don’t think that’s right, I’m going to check with [Clink’s boss].” She name drops her parents’ country club at an alarming rate. She wears short, short shorts to work along with a tank top and a flowy shirt that ends below the shorts and therefore makes her look like she arrived in lingerie. She has a horrible demeanor on the phone; I cringe at the way she talks to people. She makes stupid mistakes because she thinks she knows everything and therefore doesn’t double-check or run things by me. She makes personal phone calls more than she makes business phone calls. She says things in a faux British accent that makes me want to be all, ok listen, you’re not British or Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow so stop.
 
Also, she doesn’t eat. And if you’ve ever been around someone who just doesn’t eat, you’ll know what I mean: every bite you put into your mouth makes you feel like a cow (to borrow from Molly, moo).
 
Tangent: Is not eating what all the kids are doing these days? I don’t mean full-on anorexic; I just mean…I don’t know…are they devoid of the urges us older folk get during the work day? Urges for say cake or Doritos or CAKE? Or do they just have willpower of steel? Because, really, both of my assistants eat practically nothing and come to think of it my sister doesn’t eat much at all either and OMIGOD, ARE THEY TEACHING NON-EATING IN COLLEGE THESE DAYS? /tangent
 
Just recently Devil Assistant asked me how to do something and I told her how to do it because, lo, I am the boss for a reason. End of discussion right? Wrong. She went behind my back and called my boss – who is traveling, who does not need to be bothered, who HIRED ME SO THAT SHE WOULDN’T BE BOTHERED – and asked her how to do it. And this will shock absolutely no one but my boss told Devil Assistant to do it exactly the way that I originally told her to do it. And yet still, as she was doing it, she kept saying “I think I should do this a different way.” Because clearly she knows better than both my boss and me.
 
I pretty much have to deal with her because it’s only been a little over a week and my boss hired her. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to roll my eyes and maybe even sigh loudly when she so much as breathes because OMIGOD, I CANNOT DEAL.
 
That also doesn’t mean that I’m not going to mention something to my boss when my boss gets back in town. Isn’t that what boss people do? Discuss their minions? Because, OH DOES THIS MINION NEED TO BE DISCUSSED.