Not pregnant.
Sorry for the unintentional cliffhanger. I took the test Friday morning, right before leaving for Logan Airport. By then, the nausea had subsided and I was thinking less about how trash-tastic a maternity wedding gown would be and more about what a dramatic bitch I am.
My assistant and I stood over the sink in the marble bathroom and waited for the line. Or lines. I applied make-up; she hopped from foot to foot, all “omigod, omigod, omigod.”
She’s 23 and has never taken a pregnancy test; it was cute.
“What IF, Clink! I mean, it will be the most adorable baby EVER but still.”
Whenever I have a pregnancy scare, my mind goes immediately to my lack of health insurance. And then to our lack of a two-bedroom apartment. And then to M’s lack of, I don’t know, a PAYCHECK.
We’re not ready.
Except, um, emotionally? I kind of am. Whenever I see a baby (especially those Spears-Federline kids because come here, Sean. Come here Jayden. Clinky will take care of you and you will really like New York City and there will unfortunately be no platinum teething rings anymore but, um, I make really good cookies!), my ovaries start doing a little dance. It’s kind of like a tribal dance, complete with steel drums. A get noticed dance. A WE’RE HERE! WE’RE OVARIES! START FUCKING PAYING ATTENTION! dance.
The result is a lot of squee-ing on my end. Like at the airport when I cooed so much over a baby seated near us at the gate that the mother actually let me hold the child and why haven’t they bottled baby head scent yet? Someone should really get on that.
Anyway. I’m back. Back again. (Clinky’s back, tell a friend…where the hell is Eminem these days? My work outs miss him.)
I’m not back for long, however. I go away again next week where it will be busybusybusy again and I will be wahwahwah again and such is my life at the moment.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder. By Friday, after a long work week spent sleeping apart from my love (and in the same bed as my assistant…she gets scared in hotel rooms by herself and asked if she could sleep with me), my heart was pretty damn fond of M.
During hideous turbulence on the flight home, I put my forehead against the seat in front of me, tears running down my cheeks, and asked the Universe to please let this not be it because I refused to die and then miss M for all of eternity. I don’t care how great this Heaven place is supposed to be - it can be full of calorie-less Chipwich ice cream sandwiches and it will still suck without him.
I mean, seriously. I arrived home to not only our new dining table (finally. FI. NA. LLY) but our new console table as well, festively adorned by M. Yes, the same M with the Patriots garbage can did THIS:
Of course, I added a few touches but still - it was mostly him. I almost died of shock. And then I had sex with him immediately because you know what? The boy deserved to get laid. (Cue another pregnancy scare in about a month! Woo!).
Also, here is our new dining table. Just because:
Welcome back!!
OK the interior designer in my heart just swooned over M’s console table. A man who can do that?! Clinky, you have caught yourself a great man!
Pregnancy scares are sooo frightening, so congrats on not being pregnant, yet. I agree with your assistant though, how adorable would your babies be? I never ever wanted babies with my Ex but as soon as i broke up with him suddenly every baby I saw, I wanted. (until they cried) Someone needs to explain this to me.
Have a great weekend!
Yay! You’re back. And not pregnant! Yay! And how freaking cute is your assistant? never having a pregnancy scare and is afraid of being alone in hotel rooms? Aw.
Wow- what a man
I love the dining table. Am completely salivating over it!
I love how you’ve moved so swiftly from pre-engagement excitement to “hmm.. baby” excitement. I guess it’s hardly surprising that the urge to settle down with the one you love is closely followed by the urge to breed. And it’s a lot easier to imagine kids in a serious way when you can imagine their father.
Anyway, know exactly how you feel. Overactive ovaries are driving me crazy (my celebrity kidnappeee is baby Suri.. I will save her from Scientology and give her a normal heighted father). The Boy now knows that indulging my instinct to coo over every baby I see doesn’t mean I’m going to start pestering him to make one of our own, so he coos with me.
Note to self: Return Canadian flag onesie.
Your assistant doesn’t like to stay in hotel rooms by herself? That is either very cute or kinda crazy.
I honestly can’t tell anymore.
You know, my wife and I didn’t think we were ready to get pregnant, but then it just kinda happened to, well, happen. But now that we’re 4 or so months into it, it’s interesting, now we can’t imagine what things would be like if we weren’t. I think that’s why we are given 9 months from conception to birth, just to prepare and to be ready. So even though you’re not pregnant, perhaps when it happens, even though you may not think you’re ready, you will be.
Josh Boldman
http://www.joshboldman.com
Okay your assistant sounds weird.
The thought of doing any of those things (checking a pregnancy test, sharing a hotel bed) with the woman I used to be an assistant for just cracked me the hell up.
You’re back!! Hi, Clink! Your assistant is funny. Sorta. You’d make a great mom, for what it’s worth, and it’s beyond adorable how M fixed up your console table. Have a great weekend!
Oh look! Your chairs have a table now!
M? Heart.
I’m glad you’re not preg. Yet.
Chipwiches are the bomb.com.
That is all.
Welcome back Clinky! Looks like your influence is rubbing off on M - great deco! and also, mmm - the smell of babies’ heads? love it so much!!
The one time I took a business trip with my boss we had our own rooms, let alone separate beds.
Hmm, 32 and I’ve never taken a pregnancy test…does that make me odd?
i love your blog, and had to read all the way back once i discovered it, and eventually would’ve written my fan-girl email, but i had to now because is that a vintage map? be still my heart! i’m now even more jealous of your fabulous life.
anyways, love the blog. it’s wonderful.
welcome back not-pregnant Clink! I AM SO HAPPY youre not preggers and you got home safely.
And your man? SO CUTE that he did that. He must have missed you too. BTW - chairs look a lot better with a table between them
Your man rocks, those tables are adorable! Very glad you aren’t pregnant! Anyways welcome back!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, eh? Must be why I’m so excited to see you back. Missed you.
Glad you’re back safely. That table looks fantastic!
love your dining table! yay!
glad you are back, and safely, and to a non-patriots decorated apartment!
I love the two new tables! And I am so, so with you on emotionally really really wanting a baby but in my head knowing that it is just not the time because oh my god money and space and jobs and free time and sleeping in and having a crying infant at the wedding and everything else. But this is the last month that it would be REALLY awful if I were to get pregnant, because I’ve been at my job almost three months and you need to be there a year in order to get maternity benefits.
Anyway, welcome back! Glad you made it home safely.
Yay you’re back and baby-free!
The assistant sounds odd.
But again, yay you’re back!!
p.s. M, the console and the dining room table are all adorable.
Hah- I love the assistant’s nerves- that totally would have been me
In your bed, she had to sleep? You are an EXCELLENT boss. Welcome back.
Welcome back! I am glad you’re feeling better and that you are not pg and don’t have to worry about all of that prematurely but I do totlaly understand I-wanna-have-baby-now syndrome…I hope that you have a good trip next week and that you had a great weekend. Furniture looks fabulous….
God you two would have a damn adorable baby. But it’s def not the time for that Clink. It will be so worth it when it happens though.
I, too, have had a pregnancy scare kind of recently. And I did the math and realized I’d be about 6 or 7 mnoths pregnant at the wedding - and also realized I’d had a LOT to drink in the previous few weeks - so I was thoroughly relieved when I found out I wasn’t pregnant. I don’t want to be gravid at the wedding and nor do I want a kid with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
Glad everything worked out for you; I too am celebrating being home. Though my work travel is done for the year. Isn’t sleeping in your own bed with your own fiance kind of awesome? Especially when you haven’t gotten to do it in a while?
Welcome back, Clink!
Your assistant does sound weird but, who knows, maybe there is good reason for it. Is this the good assistant or the bad assistant?
Welcome back!
glad you’re back! and your boy can decorate!
BACK!!!!!! (Thank you for all the S’s. I missed you that much too.)
Love the table. Want one!
I’m in love with that console table. And the fact that M actually put decorative stuff on it? Be still my heart. TB thinks that things that don’t really serve a purpose (aside from being aesthetically pleasing) shouldn’t exist. He is a total minimalist when it comes to decorating and, hi, I have towels for every holiday.
So glad you’re back!
YEA! you are back!
1- awsome about M and the tables!
2- your assistant creeps me out and i dont know her.
3- Hate to sound like your mother, but, ummmm birth control?
(of course i have no leg to stand on as i can never remeber to take mine and I’m sure OM gets twitchy every month)
Hey Clink - overall i love reading your blog. Just a comment about this post…do you think at all that it might be extremely unprofessional to have your assistant involved in your pregnancy drama? And to share a bed with her? Yikes - What if she says something to your coworkers about this? It just seems very immature. And why on earth do you have so many pregnancy scares? I can understand it happening once or twice - but come on. Are you just looking for attention? It kind of seems that way…
you’re baaaack!! hurray!! and no shotgun wedding!! hurray!! and cute new dining table and console!! yay!!
okay, i’ll stop now.
what are those furry pumpkin looking things?