I haven’t been eating much these days, mainly out of sheer will.
I got drunk on a glass and a half of wine last night; my sushi remained largely untouched.
I tell myself that it’s just “detox” from the holidays, but I know better. I know that this is the start of something that can wreak havoc on my life if I don’t get it under control.
And if I can’t post about this? Then the entire blog is a whole lot of bullshit because this is what’s going on in my life right now.
The wedding planning is fine. Things with M are wonderful. My family is fantastic. My career is about to turn in a whole new direction if I can just wait one more month. My new clothes are adorable. So are the boots I’m wearing today. My friends are lovely. I’m excited about politics again for the first time in a long time.
But I’m not eating. And that trumps all.
I’ve been saying my stomach hurts so that M doesn’t suspect anything when I don’t want dinner.
My breath stinks. It’s what happens if you don’t eat. I’ve gone through packs and packs of Trident.
I’m lethargic and snappish.
My eyes glaze over at work, to the point that I have to go out and get a coffee (black) so that I don’t fall asleep.
I go to sleep early to ignore the rumbling in my tummy.
It’s all there. It’s something I haven’t truly dealt with since before M and I got serious, and I’m not entirely sure what prompted it.
The wedding? Upcoming trips to Vegas and Hawaii? My grandmother saying that the skirt I was wearing the other day looked a bit tight? The need to control something?
My parents have a friend who is a therapist and I usually call her in times like these and she usually kicks my ass back to reality. I’m going to pick up the phone as soon as I hit publish.
I guess it’s a bit weird for me now that I’ve gone from anonymous to semi-anonymous. It’s hard to write posts like these because I’m afraid I’ll be judged.
I’ll probably be judged either way, but that’s ok. This is me, and if anyone has gone through this or knows someone who has, I guess I just want you to know that you’re not alone.
Ack! You scare me when you write this stuff. I’m afraid you’ll get really sick.
Take care of yourself!
I am really sorry to hear about your struggle but at least you’re doing the right thing and calling someone who can help.
My prayers are with you.
I’ve been there, believe me. I understand the control. I understand all of it. And we all love you and no one is judging you. Just make that phone call and get yourself healthy, and know that I’m here to support you.
xoxox
Oh man, Clink. I don’t think (or at least I hope not) that anyone will judge you for this. This is why we all love you and your blog and your ability to be semi-anonymous; because you can talk about this and say it and be honest about it.
This particular food issue is not one that I have dealt with, but I can understand where it comes from and how much it is simultaneously satisfying and upsetting. I think it’s good that you know that this can get out of control very easily and that you are taking steps to stop it. I hope that you’re on the phone with the therapist as I’m typing this comment.
You are amazing. There are so many people who love and care about you, even those of us who don’t know your real name. We are all here to listen to you, to talk back to you, to help you feel better, to let you work through this.
And maybe at some point you’ll feel up to talking to M about this? He’s your life partner, he’s your mate, he knows you and he understands you and he loves you for all your flaws. It could be good to have him aware and on your side for this.
so many of us understand. absolutely. the control, they way it starts to happen without you necessarily noticing (or, really, you notice, you do it, but you dont fully see the extent until you’re getting woozy on the subway and blacking out in the shower). call the therapist. but theres no judgement here.
I’m glad you’re wise enough to take control of it before it becomes too serious. Hang in there, and let Michael in on it. If you’re going to be with him the rest of your life, you don’t want to hide things from him.
I snuck on your blog (at work!) just to comment. Clink, seriously, I think sooooo many people deal with things like this and never talk about it. I never talk about it. I agree completely that it’s about having something to control.
<4
As a former anorexic that almost died from this, please pick up the phone - NOW. And talk to your fiance about it. Sometimes having someone that knows that it’s an issue is good. When you don’t want to eat, they point it out to you and it feels like a bit of a kick in the ass.
Then you’re also realized how much you have to live for, which makes starving SO not worth it.
Recognizing and admitting it are important. Ignore that little voice in the back of your head that encourages you to lie about it and keep on and make it worse. I’ve only had the opposite of that problem- smashing everything in sight into my mouth to reward or comfort myself- and either way, it’s the wrong solution to the problem.
We love you, Clinky.
Oh babe. No one will judge you here. So glad you’re making a phone call to get a little help with this. And maybe talking to M about it would help?
We’re here for you…
xoxo
good for you for calling. nobody’s judging here–good for you for being honest. actually, i find that completely amazing…because sometimes, that’s the hardest thing.
take care of you.
You are SO not alone. And I second (third? fourth?) what the others have said about talking to M about it. He loves you. All of you. And having his support could really make a world of difference in overcoming this. We’re all here.
We’re here for you. Control us! I don’t want anything to happen to you. i lurve you
It is hard to type a comment when I am hugging my PC monitor.
Having watched friend after friend go through this, I’m so glad to hear that you’re taking control of your life by getting help!
Wishing you the best of luck!
I’m so glad that you’re calling someone to help you through this–it’s scary when old vices start creeping back into your life, but I really hope that you can kick it’s butt right back out.
And have you thought about talking to M about this so that he can see the signs and he can help you through it in the future? He’s going to be your husband, he loves you and wants to be there for you. Maybe you can let him.
*Hugs*
I know how you feel sorta. Your thing is to not eat, whereas my thing is to eat and then throw up. Although the rational part of my brain usually wins out on that little battle going through my mind, I still think about it way too often. I hope that you get through this and talk to your therapist friend. Especially if she has helped you in the past (and btw kudos to you for realizing what helps and most importantly not being ashamed to ask for it). Bottom line … get the help you need. You already have enough on your plate, don’t add this to it as well (no pun intended by the way). All the best to you in ‘08.
I’m so proud of you for writing this post, for calling the therapist, for knowing that you need to stop it now before it gets out of control.
I’d hug my screen if I thought it would help.
I think that it is a sign of strength and self-awareness (and courage!) that you wrote this post.
I do hope you’ll call your therapist-friend. Please take care of yourself!
I’ll be thinking of you, and wishing you only the best.
You are so smart for knowing when you need help and not being afraid to ask for it. I agree with the rest of the girls, I think telling M will be for the best, he can only help you get through this faster. Much love and many hugs.
No judgments here. I have body issues just like the next girl.
However, I think you should be PROUD of yourself. Proud of yourself for having the ability to recognize the problem and having the strength to call someone for help. I know too many friends who have gone through what you are going through BUT NEVER SAID A WORD. Don’t be hard on yourself!
Although I am new to your blog (as of yesterday!), I can’t tell you how glad I am that I found you, and this post.
I don’t want to start listing out advice, because maybe you don’t want it? But if you do, I’m here, and I have it.
I think the fact that you are self-aware enough to realize what’s going on, and then post about it (which is in itself a wonderfully brave outreach for help), means that you are make great strides in getting this under control.
I really admire you for being able to write about this, which is why yours is one of the first blogs I view every day. And since your being so honest, I will be too. As awful and fucked up as it is, while I was reading this I was jealous of you because I know you’re probably losing weight, and looking great. And I shouldn’t even be telling you that, but it’s the truth, and it sucks.
Just emailed you.
Love.
Clink: No judgment, just lots of hugs. xoxo, Nicole.
I get it. I get it all too well. I have been doing the same for too many days now and it’s not good. For either of us. Your honesty is admired and inspiring. If you want to talk to a stranger that is going through the same thing let me know. I’m here for ya, doll.
I am incredibly impressed with this post. No judgment here. While you are not the only person I know who has struggled with food, you are the only one I know who openly acknowledges it. I’m sure it wasn’t always that way. I hope you picked up the phone. Please know that by writing this entry, you serve as an inspiration to many.
i just emailed you.
no judgement, ever. i understand all of it, and i love you to pieces. xoxo
no judgement, clink. hang in there.
xo
Oh, Lord, if we only we were all so perfect so as to judge. Alas, we are not. Therefore, not judging.
I hope you get the help you need soon! I’m glad you are strong and smart enough to know you need help.
You are posting to just about the biggest non-judgmental group around…your loyal readers! There is absolutely no judgment here, just a whole lot of love. Please, pick up the phone and absolutely talk to that therapist. And I agree with others…I think you should tell M. He loves you and he will be your biggest support system.
On the outside, everything seemed fine. Fine until the lies caught up to me…I almost lost my relationship because I was lying. Lying to myself, lying to my boyfriend, and not allowing myself to realize that I deserved a healthy life and happiness. Unconsciously sabotaging all that was good for me. Coming clean about those lies was painful, and not easy for me or my boyfriend to hear, but nothing has proven the strength of our love more than how we worked through it…more than how he became my pillar of support regardless of how he didn’t understand what caused the illness in the first place.
The bulimia started many years before I met him - “ended” before I met him, too, or so I told everyone. Secretly I knew it had never really left. As a recovered bulimic of almost two years now, the one constant is that I will never be immune to relapse…is that all of us who have traveled down this road need to keep our eyes open. Old habits die hard. Even if I lose some weight because I am exercising and eating healthily, I still have those brief, fleeting moments where I think…”I could lose even more if I just…” and then I snap myself out of it. This doesn’t happen as often now - stress at work is my trigger. I still emotionally eat, but that doesn’t bother me - no one is perfect and no one ever will be. I can’t control everything, which is what it is all about. It seems there are a lot of variables and stresses in your life right now - the wedding, holidays - good stress counts, too…all combining together to form the perfect cocktail.
I know sometimes people, like myself, leave comments that seem harsh or judgemental on these blogs. In my opinion, the best advice is the hardest to give. Tell your fiance, tell yourself really, and do what makes you feel best in recovering. In my case I went to therapy, read books on the disorder, and talked to my boyfriend. Even if he didn’t understand, he knew enough to be proud of me when I overcame urges to fall into bad habits, and he cared enough to always listen, no matter what time, even now. Just a few months ago I ahd the urge - motivated by stress - to do it, and I told him. Not because I gave in, but because I wanted to share that self-doubt with him, and the accompanying triumph of winning that particular battle. There are women who fall back into habits after pregnancy, marriage, divorce, a myriad of reasons. One particular book was showcased by MSNBC right around the time I was looking for literature - “Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders” - by Aimee Liu. The author stopped eating (again) at 40. Copy this linkt into your browser in order to read the review. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17278771/
I highly recommend this book, even if only to hear others stories.
If you look at your writing, the personality traits you seem to harbor are similar to mine - impulsive, careless with things that may break, etc, (Your New Year’s resolution - I am the same way). We are similar in that we both appear extroverted and it seems like you like attention from others. This is not stated in a mean-spirited way, but in order to highlight that fact that you may be unconsciously seeking that approval from others that you don’t have of yourself, your body. I still struggle with that.
I know I am a rambling stranger at this point, but the bottom line is that you are not alone, and that this will not be the last time “not eating” conquers all. Life is going to throw an unimaginable amount of curve balls our way. I want to know that I am holding the best mitt I can; you deserve to as well. Even if they blow right past us, we will be nothing if not prepared for them.
Below is something that is extremely helpful to me in dealing with strees on a regular basis. I cried the first time it was read to me by a therapist, because for the first time in my life, I knew where I was…at that moment was Chapter II.
I am extremely proud and grateful to be at Chapter V right now, occasionally flipping the pages back for a brief glance at Chapter IV. You deserve to be there, too.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost…I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit.
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Clink, i’ve been reading your blog for awhile now and I love it. I was genuinely surprised when i read your blog today though. I too battle with this, and I think it shows great strength that you are willing to blog about something that so many people try very hard to keep to themselves. It makes me wonder how many other woman are dealing with this too, and makes me feel less alone. Good for you for calling someone, good luck!
Judging not as I toss a funsized snickers wrapper in the trash. I eat when I shouldn’t.
We all have our vises.
My thoughts are with you. And it really says something that you not only recongized what you were doing, but that you are going to do something about it.
Feel the internet love and let it help you be well.
i’m glad that you’re seeking help, because at least talking to someone about it is a step in the right direction. i hope that you feel better soon my dear. and i will never, ever judge. if it helps you to write about it, keep doing just that.
Clink- there is no judgment here. I am sorry you have to deal with this now when so many other exciting things should be at the forefront of your mind. But, it is great that you realized you were doing it and most importantly, that you realized you need help. You should not be ashamed or embarrassed to need help- we all need a little help sometimes. Good luck.
I think we all struggle with something like this, or at least very similar. I’ve had my issues as well. It takes a lot of strength to admit to it and to tell others. I so admire you for this post.
I agree with the others, you should tell M. However, I can see where you wouldn’t want to worry him about it, but sometimes having someone worrying about you is just what you need. I hope you get better very soon. My thoughts are with you babe. xoxoxo
Lean on M. It’s what he’s there for. And good for you for reaching out to him. Stay strong!
You AREN’T alone, Clink… even out here in blogworld, where everybody doesn’t REALLY know you, you have friends. And you are supported and adored and not judged. You are really brave to post what you did, and I hope you know that, and use that knowledge to help yourself get past this.
You can do it! You’re awesome.
Excuse my language, but fuck the people who judge. I know what’s like to go from anonymous to semi-anonymous and the struggles with what you can and can’t write about, so I totally get it. I’m super glad you put this out there though. And clearly, from reading the other comments and from my own personal past and struggles with stuff like this, you’re not alone. Call your parents’ friend, confide in M, email me (or the eleventy billion other people who commented) and you’ll feel better. Also, send me your address and I can pop some of that mystery monkey bread in the mail to you.
Take care of yourself, lady. You have a lot to look forward to, a lot that you need to be healthy for.
I think it is incredibly brave to write about this. Incredibly brave. People judge because they don’t understand. They think it’s just a “stupid girl thing” but you know that it is more than that. The problem with food issues and disorders is that, unlike other addictions like alcohol and drugs, you can’t shut off your relationship to food. You can’t just stop being around the thing that is making you sick because food will always be a part of life. You are clearly doing the best thing you can do and that is to be honest with your self, acknowledge a problem, and get help.
I wish you nothing but good luck. We all know that you will not let this get the best of you.
Clink, I know I’ve mentioned this here before, but I’ll do so again. I think you should try Weight Watchers. I know you only want to lose 10lbs, and probably think WW is for the fatties, but it’s not. It gives you all the “control” in the world, and teaches you how to eat like a “normal” person - for the rest of your life - so that hopefully, this is never an issue again.
Also, my own personal opinion on the root cause of what’s going on right now: It’s self-destructive behavior. As you said, everything else in your life is going well, and for some people, that’s even more difficult to contend with than the times when NOTHING is. So basically, they’ve gotta fuck something up. I think that’s what you’re doing.
Obviously I [along with most of us] only “know” you through the blogging world, but I still worry about you!
I’m glad that you’re making the phone call and just want to say that you seem like a very strong woman, and I have faith that you will get through this. Be good to yourself =)
I’ve been there. Only the opposite- I ate everything and judged every single girl I saw. It was an obsession. Even still I can tell exactly what size any girl is wearing if she just walks by. And having a degree in psychology- I understood where everything was coming from. Which perhaps was even worse- I had the power to stop it, but it was too hard to control. It finally stopped when I said the words outloud to a friend and confessed everything I held inside. Don’t hold it in- keep talking to your therapist friend/person. And definately tell M.
Good Luck. and start eating already! even if it’s something small.
Absolutely no judgement here (people who live in glass houses and all that - for me not eating is all about punishing myself for my perceived failures). Call the therapist…or Molly, or M. I know I’m not saying anything new, but sometimes we have to hear it 50 times before it sinks in.
There is absolutely no judgment from me. Only love for you and I recognize that if you are posting about it, then you want to change it. You need to be seeing a therapist regularly to talk about whatever the underlying issues are with this. And it’s NOT a bad thing to see a therapist. I am seeing one myself right now, so come join my club!
*HEART YOU*
i can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said, just that i hope you find the strength to do what you need to do based on the wonderful outpouring of responses here. what a wonderful group of people who care so much about you.
**HUGS**
Definitely no judgement from me here but I’m worried about you. I have a food and body issue too - you know that - but I love food too much that I don’t know how to starve myself. I know you are beautiful and everything in your life is going well - please try hard to not let this get out of control. Your life, relationships, and career depend on you being healthy way too much.
I am here for you when you want to talk.
xoxo
Not eating is never the answer (Gosh I wish I was smart enough to follow what I preach) but seriously, you can’t afford to get sick woman, you have a wedding to plan. So for he love of god, eat something….
I’m another one that won’t judge you. I agree with one commenter’s suggestion about talking to M about it. Or a good friend. Anyone. Someone you can confide in and who you can go to, anytime, when you need to reach out.
Thinking of you lots.
No judgment whatsoever. I’m glad you shared this and glad you have people you can turn to when you know you’re struggling. good luck.
awww clink, totally understand the control thing, have been there myself and just know there are tons of people who want to support ya! at least now you can recognize the signs before things get way to out of control! more power to ya! take care!
no judgment here, sista. and i get it. believe me. i’m detoxing too. thanks for sharing.
Clink, I wish I could say more, but I’m afraid in this subject, I can’t relate. I could and would never judge you, but I don’t want to say something completely irrelevant and unrelated and come across as knowing about something I know nothing about. So just know I’m here for you, whenever and however you might need me.
i’m so glad you’ve realized that you need to talk to and call someone - i hope the conversation went well. you are in my thoughts and prayers… you can do this!!
i m thinking of doing this too.. soon.. as soon as I m away from my family..
Clink, I’m so impressed by your ability to put it all out there and trust this blogworld to be a safe first step in getting your “ass kicked back to reality.” As for the suggestions that you should talk to M — well, yes, eventually, that’s probably something worth considering. But in your own time, when that’s a conversation you want to and are ready to have, when the prospect of having to take care of him and his response is something you feel ready for about good about.
I really appreciate the way you share yourself with us. Your honesty is inspiring.
You are amazing. Your honesty is inspiring. You obviously know how to help yourself, too, by taking a step like this and putting it out there. Hugs to you, Clink!
You’re not alone. Gosh, as a matter of fact your honesty is comforting.
We’re all not alone.
You are very much loved, you have a great foundation, a terrific amount of support and everything is going to be ok.
Stay golden!
You’ll know I’ve been there, done that, and haven’t gotten my brain completely clear when I tell you that reading that? My first response is jealousy that I’m not NOT EATING.
Blargh. My brain is broken sometimes, and it’s really hard to fix.
I just popped onto your blog from following a labyrinth of links here. I just have to say: I’m a total stranger, and I’m not judging you. I am just worried for you. Keep on blogging about the scary stuff–Life is meant to be Lived Out Loud.
I’ve gone through this. I used to survive on a starbucks, an atkins bar and maybe an apple or a scoop of peanut butter on a daily basis. This was a few years ago and throughout that time, I would have ups and downs. Eventually it turned into a thing where i’d have to eat myself into immobility because I was famished from the past week….its cycle that is scary. But I did get out of it on my own. Friends new, and they helped….it was just accpeting that I didnt need to have control over my body in that way and that it was harmful. It took time I just needed to accept myself as I am….each moment your body is changing and when you accept that there is no stagnant perioed, you are always fluctuating, losing, gaining, etc its easier to release the need to control it. And not let it consume your mind. The key is to stay conscious and not let is warp your thinking. You can do it…..and no you are not alone
I really can relate to this. I’ve never really vocalized it though. I go through periods where I will have just applesauce and yogurt for weeks on end. Counting calories, getting on the scale 5 times a day, wondering if it’s okay today to eat a piece of bread. It’s miserable, but like you said, it’s the need to feel like you are in control of something.
This I can control.
As much as these posts freak me out, they are one of the reasons I come back again and again. I love that you are so honest and willing to put your issues out on the table. This is something I need to do more.
I’m glad that you realize your problem and that you are seeking out someone to talk to. I mean, losing weight for your wedding might be a goal, but passing out at the altar is so not fabulous.
And we don’t judge.
Can I just say I’m jealous of all your commenters? They freakin’ love you!
Nothing to say that hasn’t been said already: you’re brave, you rock and I hope you find whatever you need to fall back into healthy eating habits.
Thanks for sharing this with us.. I think you’re extremely courageous being able to do that… hang in there and good luck. You have a ton of supporters!
Hi! I’m new to your blog.
Your grandmother? Was totally checking out your ass! Haha.
Peace out!
(jealous about the house in Greece)
i don’t often comment, but i felt like i had to say you aren’t alone and i’m glad you picked up the phone, it’s the best choice you could have made. hope that the conversation helped and you are feeling a bit better
You have to tell M. If not telling the blog invalidates its honesty, think about how that relates to your honesty with your fiance. I know it is hard to be honest about these things, especially planning a wedding, because you want to be able to diet as you wish, but you are not healthy at the moment, you know that you are not, and now you need to tell him. Let him know this part of you.
We are so difficult on ourselves. To the point that we are detrimental to our bodies and our minds. You, like I, and most likely every girl reading your blog, are a powerhouse of a female but our self doubt has the potential to destroy us. Just like you deserve a strong, amazing man in your life, M deserves a strong, healthy, and happy wife and mother to his future children. It is so evident how much you adore this man, so do it for you, but think of him. The most beautiful women are the ones that glow of health. You have an upcoming wedding, and entire life ahead of it, that you need to glow for. Best of luck, and tight hugs.
You know yourself that you need to make the call - and that is the best advice anyone can give to you. Big hugs.
There will never be any judgment from this direction. Oh Clink, you should be proud of yourself, as I am, that you’ve recognized the problem and are working towards the direction of correcting it. I will always be here for you when you need me.
Thinking of you. *Hugs*
we understand. (i’m late commenting and you’ve probably started eating again.. but some of us haven’t.)
i hope no one judges you for this. its a shame that we as humans judge each other for weaknesses. we all have them to some degree. everyone has *their* thing. what we deal with makes us who we are. what we refuse to let kills us makes us stronger.
it sounds stupid but its true. and i’m glad, clink, that you write what’s real. it doesn’t have to be this, but when it is, thank you for not holding on to it. thank you for sharing. thank you for giving us — me — someone to relate to.