Exposed. But it’s okay. January 6, 2008

I feel exposed. Which is normal, seeing as I revealed a side of myself that I had really only hinted at previously.

I feel a bit embarrassed, too, but that’s okay. That comes with the territory of admitting that you are far from perfect; that you sometimes fail at something that is so…primal.

On Friday I was sitting at work thinking about how I should post something but I couldn’t stop thinking about food long enough to come up with anything. Instead of writing, I went onto a recipe website and stared at a photo of mac and cheese and literally - literally, people - had to wipe a bit of drool from the corner of my mouth.

And then it hit me (I’ve never been incredibly quick on the uptake) that, um, I should probably write about not eating and all that comes with it: the emptiness that can feel almost like a high, the panic attacks I have in the middle of the night because I’m afraid I’m going to die, the lies, the 300 calorie days, the breath.

And so I did. And so you commented and emailed. And so you said amazing things that made me feel warm and bubbly and most of all safe because I have the best freaders (friends + readers) ever.

I drew strength from every comment and email - every word of support, every “I have been there too” or “I am right there now.” Essentially, I drew from you the strength I did not have.

Because, you know what? Sometimes we project our ideal selves on blogs because that’s the easiest thing to do. Being a better version of yourself is easy on on a blog; you can depict the bits and parts of your life that are awesome and leave out the shit.

Except that I knew that leaving out the shit, in this case, would just make the shit worse. Not writing about the shit would allow it to linger inside, taunting me. The shit tends to do that. And if you let the shit do that, it will build and build and build until you no longer have any control of it and your hair is falling out and you’re too weak to get out of bed and life has lost all of its sheen.

I’m better now. Not well, but better. Not eating as I should be, but better (as in, I’ve had a salad today. Yes, just a salad but it’s better than nothing and I ate almost the whole thing). It takes time to talk myself down from the ledge, to pull myself from from the wreckage of disordered eating, to sit down and have a talk with myself about what’s really going on and how what’s really going on is not related to the size of my thighs.

As for telling M - it is rational for me to tell him and rational for you all to want me to tell him. But I’m not rational when I’m in it - when I’m secretly writing down every calorie I eat, down to the piece of gum, when I am drinking water until I feel like vomiting just so I can attempt to feel full, when I know I should stop but also know that another week or two will allow me to drop some more weight - I can’t think clearly. I’ll tell him, when I’m ready. In fact, we had a roundabout conversation about it just last night and that’s about as close as I can get right now. I don’t know how to explain it and thank god for those of you who have said “we know why you’re not telling him” because you’ve been where I am and you know what it is that I just can’t articulate right now. I can’t articulate it to anyone, except semi-anonymously on the internet.

After a particularly ugly bout with this earlier in my life, where disordered eating and I went a few nasty rounds (where was my blog then, dammit!), I now know what I need to get everything under control when it starts to slip from my hands but before it is completely out of reach. It took a long, long time to get here but the fight was worth it, as you can imagine.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for, as I emailed cdp or Peter or maybe both, making me feel less like I was floating in the middle of the ocean in the dark and more like I was in a crowded room, with outstretched arms and warm smiles.

What you’ve given me, I will never forget.

Note: For any of you who have struggled or are struggling with disordered eating, reading www.goodwithcheese.wordpress.com will make you feel even less alone. If you’re anything like me, you’ll find yourself nodding, crying and trying not to think “she exercises so much; maybe I should do the same to lose more weight” because it’s not about picking up tips, Clink, it’s about not being the only one to go through it and, hopefully, to get out of it also.

In happier news: Woo! KLC! I can’t even deal. Go congratulate her, even if you’re really not supposed to “congratulate” a bride. It’s supposed to be “best wishes” or whatever but hey, I’m pretty sure either will do.

So… January 4, 2008

I haven’t been eating much these days, mainly out of sheer will.

I got drunk on a glass and a half of wine last night; my sushi remained largely untouched.

I tell myself that it’s just “detox” from the holidays, but I know better. I know that this is the start of something that can wreak havoc on my life if I don’t get it under control.

And if I can’t post about this? Then the entire blog is a whole lot of bullshit because this is what’s going on in my life right now.

The wedding planning is fine. Things with M are wonderful. My family is fantastic. My career is about to turn in a whole new direction if I can just wait one more month. My new clothes are adorable. So are the boots I’m wearing today. My friends are lovely. I’m excited about politics again for the first time in a long time.

But I’m not eating. And that trumps all.

I’ve been saying my stomach hurts so that M doesn’t suspect anything when I don’t want dinner.

My breath stinks. It’s what happens if you don’t eat. I’ve gone through packs and packs of Trident.

I’m lethargic and snappish.

My eyes glaze over at work, to the point that I have to go out and get a coffee (black) so that I don’t fall asleep.

I go to sleep early to ignore the rumbling in my tummy.

It’s all there. It’s something I haven’t truly dealt with since before M and I got serious, and I’m not entirely sure what prompted it.

The wedding? Upcoming trips to Vegas and Hawaii? My grandmother saying that the skirt I was wearing the other day looked a bit tight? The need to control something?

My parents have a friend who is a therapist and I usually call her in times like these and she usually kicks my ass back to reality. I’m going to pick up the phone as soon as I hit publish.

I guess it’s a bit weird for me now that I’ve gone from anonymous to semi-anonymous. It’s hard to write posts like these because I’m afraid I’ll be judged.

I’ll probably be judged either way, but that’s ok. This is me, and if anyone has gone through this or knows someone who has, I guess I just want you to know that you’re not alone.

New year, new layout? January 3, 2008

I clicked on my site today and noticed that the colors are those most closely associated with vomit.

I don’t know why it never occurred to me before but today I’m all “gah! Ack! Can’t look! What made me choose THAT?”

Which means it might be time for a design change? Maybe? If I don’t get bored and move onto another idea by tomorrow?

It’s just…how does one go about that? Suggestions? Recommendations? Requests to do it yourselves for minimal fees?

Guest blogging. January 3, 2008

Today, I’m hanging out over at Molly’s place.

She’s currently in Las Vegas. It’s okay to be jealous, I am too. (But not too jealous - I hear it’s only 50 degrees out there. The Vegas that resides in my head is always 90 degrees and sunny. At least, it better be for my bachelorette party.)

2008. January 2, 2008

When I was younger, I used to draft new year’s resolutions in my journal. They were usually a bit overambitious, such as “be perfect” or “never say a bad word about anyone.”

I haven’t done it in a while, however. And that’s not because I’ve finally succeeded at being perfect. I guess I just know that I’m doomed to fail. I’m lazy, so I take the “this-is-how-I-am-now-and-thus-how-I-always-will-be” route, which requires zero effort on my part.

This year, however, I’ve decided to make some resolutions. Or at least call attention to the aspects of my life and personality that need…some attention.

I mean, sure, I want to lose ten pounds and wash my face every night (can you believe that I never wash my face? I mean, with anything other than water? Isn’t that crazy? I should be covered in pimples. I am not. Huh.), but there are some bigger picture issues I should deal with.

And here they are:

I need to get control of my emotions. This is not to say that I shouldn’t be emotional - I’m an emotional person, I relate well to other emotional people, it’s just who I am. But lately I’ve noticed that I can be rather, um, what’s the word? MOODY. I can swing wildly from one emotion to the other with little to no self-control, which is no picnic for myself and certainly no picnic for my fiance.

I need to stop being so careless. Perfect example: yesterday morning, I was on the phone with my mom when I noticed that the glass on the coffee table was smudgy. I got some Windex and paper towels and decided to clean the glass with one hand and hold the phone with the other. Which would’ve been all well and good if the glass hadn’t slipped out of my hand (it’s a glass inset that needs to be lifted out of the wood) and shattered. I shattered the glass inset of a $500 coffee table we inherited from my parents and, according to my mother, it would cost a fortune to replace. Hence why I spent a good portion of New Year’s Day researching - and ultimately purchasing - a replacement table. A leather ottoman replacement which I cannot ruin.

It’s just so typically me, to do something without thinking. While I was cleaning the glass, I actually thought to myself god, this would SUCK if it dropped and broke, and yet I didn’t stop and wait until I was off the phone and could have better control.

Another example? I lost the red leather gloves that M bought for me for Christmas. They were on my hands when we walked home from the Museum of Natural History but somewhere in between there, the grocery store and home, I must’ve lost them. I could kick myself. Hard.

Hard lessons to learn, both, but hopefully the something good that will come out of them is me being a more responsible, less careless person.

The spending. Oh, the spending. I have no control. I’m ridiculously impulsive. It’s gotten to the point that it’s a problem.

M is human. I need to remember that. You see, sometimes there’s an M that lives in my head and he always does everything right and he can read my mind and he says exactly the right thing at exactly the right moment. And while the real, live, breathing M lives up to perfect M 99% of the time, he’s still human. He can’t be perfect all of the time and sometimes - like on New Year’s Eve, when I want to go outside and drink with the crowds and he wants to curl up on the couch and participate in something called “romance” - our personalities are going to clash. And that’s ok. I just need to stop making it the end of the world.

Being hard on myself accomplishes nothing. Vegas is booked, for the bachelor/bachelorette party. So is Hawaii, for our honeymoon. And then, of course, there is the wedding in July. Those three things, back-to-back-to-back, give me panic attacks about getting in shape. It’s less about losing a drastic amount of weight and more about toning up. I can be so damn hard on myself about it - berating myself for every piece of chocolate and feeling crappy for not going to the gym (but clearly not crappy enough to actually go to the gym.) Enough is enough - thinking about it makes me feel like shit. Actually doing something (eating a salad, getting on a treadmill) will make me feel better. It’s as simple as that.

So, those are some things I need to “work on” this year. I’m optimistic.

What do you plan on working on, if anything, in the new year?